we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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