I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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