I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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