You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
