Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
