she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
