he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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