i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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