so that wasnt chicken after all
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
