Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
