to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
