First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I look better un-naked...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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