I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
