Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
