i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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