I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this just has baby written all over it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
