1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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