I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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