I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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