It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
