So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
