Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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