i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I want a musical about memes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
