dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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