Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
