Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
