Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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