I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dignity is for republicans.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
