Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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