Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
