That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
