I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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