Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
