Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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