I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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