I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
