My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
