we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
