it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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