One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
