I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
