ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
