I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
