i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My vagina is officially offended.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
