You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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