maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
