fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
