3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
