I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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