Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
