I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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