I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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